***
For some mysterious reason, my wife is always after me to update my wardrobe. I have no idea why, and in any case, I believe it is a lost cause.
Currently, I have an eclectic collection of clothing that has taken me YEARS to accumulate. It would be accurate to say that I like to hang onto stuff. In my opinion, there’s no sense in throwing good money away chasing the latest styles and fashions. After all, I’m a wrinkly old man. What I choose to wear reflects the casual, happy-go-lucky attitude I have for life in general. To sum up, I don’t care what I look like.
Unfortunately, my “slovenly appearance”, as she calls it, drives my bride up the wall. But, to be honest, I see that as HER problem, not mine.
Allow me to elaborate. My closet is jammed with exotic attire including torn jeans that are ripped in places that could get you arrested, t-shirts emblazoned with the logos of losing sports teams, a windbreaker with a zipper that’s frozen, so you have to yank it over your head to get it off and on, a pricey dress shirt that’s not that dressy with the pocket missing and six buttons in six different colors, a Christmas sweater with a whimsical reindeer on the front with antlers that light up but that only has one sleeve, a pair of sneakers that smell so bad the dog won’t chew on them, and a twenty-year-old pair of white slacks with a large, embarrassing stain. (I sat in something. God knows what.) And many other “disgusting items” as my spouse refers to them, that are too numerous to mention.
As you can easily see, my wife could not be more wrong. There is absolutely no need for me to go out and spend a fortune on new clothes.
The latest reason this issue came up is because my bride wanted to go to a restaurant where you don’t eat in the car. But sprucing up my apparel would not make any difference. My side of the family is not what you would call classically handsome. We lean more toward being barely presentable. Therefore, I’m not the kind of person that people LOOK AT– but rather, I’m the kind they LOOK AWAY from. And as they say, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig.”
So, for the foreseeable future, I assumed that when we ate out, our food would be served by a minimum-wage carhop with adolescent acne. And luckily for them, since I don’t waste money on clothes, I would have the financial wherewithal to be a big tipper.
However, one grim afternoon, my spouse’s uncontrollable desire to improve my sartorial splendor took an ugly turn.
I came home from golfing, a happy man. I shot an 86, so I was in a good mood. (But, of course, I only played the front nine.) I was whistling, and there was a pep in my step. Life was good, and I felt on top of the world. (That should have been my first clue that the other shoe was about to drop.)
I strolled into the bedroom to change out of my golfing ensemble into something slightly more comfortable, only to discover that the person I had chosen to spend my life with, the mother of our children, the woman I considered to be my soulmate, had done the unthinkable. The unimaginable. The UNFORGIVEABLE.
My wife had finally followed through on what I always considered to be an idle threat. A threat she had been making for years. But now she had crossed a line, and there was no going back. With calculated, cold-blooded cruelty, she had combed through my closet and GIVEN AWAY all of the old shirts, jeans, slacks, and jackets I cherished!
IT WAS TREACHERY! A gross invasion of privacy! My personal space had been violated!
There was not a single torn, stained, smelly article of clothing left. I could not believe my eyes. As my shock slowly turned to disbelief, I realized it was crucial to control my reaction. I took a series of deep breaths to remain calm. Oh, sure, I could have thrown a fit, or become enraged, or had a meltdown – but what good would that have done? All of my carefully color-coordinated outfits, in fact, virtually my entire wardrobe, was GONE! And there was no getting them back.
So, I chose to take a different approach. I decided to react like an adult, in a mature, reasonable way. There was no yelling, there was no theatrics. There was no display of negative emotion of any kind.
Instead, I made a simple decision that would bring sweet justice to this dastardly debacle.
And so, I began to wait calmly and patiently day after day, week after week, knowing that it was only a matter of time until I would have the perfect opportunity to strike! I could hardly stand the anticipation as I waited for………. MY CHANCE TO GET EVEN!
* SIDENOTE: It goes without saying that any couple who has been together for a substantial length of time knows that getting even is the foundation of every marriage. It is the necessary release of the persistent, perturbing, pent-up pressure generated by two people who are polar opposites trapped together under one roof with no hope of escape. (In other words, HOSTAGES.)
Now, back to our story.
As I write this, I’m reminded of the old saying, “Good things come to those who wait”. Well, MY day of reckoning has finally arrived. I am happy to report that my petulant patience has paid off. BIG TIME.
This morning, my sister-in-law called and invited my spouse to spend the day hitting the antique shops.
Having the house to myself, I experienced a feeling of total bliss as I seized the golden opportunity to raid my bride’s closet. Taking my time and working at a leisurely pace, I picked out many of her favorite, most expensive pieces of clothing that I knew would be genuinely appreciated by those who were less fortunate. I must say, it felt good to be helping others.
Once I had collected my bounty, it was off to the thrift stores. Wanting to spread the joy near and far, I donated to multiple charitable organizations scattered around town. You could say it was a labor of love.
I just got back, and now I’m sitting here at the house waiting for my darling to return from her antiquing adventure. OH, BOY! Will she be SURPRISED to discover that the tables have turned. I hope it leaves her speechless, but I doubt I’ll be that lucky.
I’m guessing she will not hesitate for a moment to share her opinion OUT LOUD (for days on end) regarding my generosity at her expense. (My wife has a bad habit of repeating herself – but, fortunately, I can tune it out.) Even though my heartfelt effort to assist total strangers (who are now well-dressed in designer labels) is an act of kindness that will be appreciated by many, it’s safe to say that my spouse will not be among them.
Ahh, yes. Revenge is sweet!
Hang on. I’m going to have to wrap this up. I just heard a car door shut, and I think the love of my life is back. I cannot wait to see the look on her face when she opens her closet door!
WISH ME LUCK!
Marital Madness 