***
My wife does not fight fair! Whenever we argue, which is any time she thinks I could not possibly be more wrong (practically every day), she employs a wide range of tacky, testy, taunting tactics that defy the norms of rational behavior.
Without any reservations whatsoever, my bride shamelessly stoops to using sound logic, thoughtful reasoning, and common sense to support her point of view while exploiting the fact that she has the truth on her side. It is an insidious onslaught that she willingly unleashes without a trace of guilt.
Meanwhile, my meager rhetorical weapons consist of childish whining, spiteful pettiness, and outrageous exaggeration. (I have to go with my strengths.)
In other words, in any discussion, debate, or disagreement, I don’t stand a chance.
But no matter how badly I’m losing (and it’s always just a matter of degrees), I refuse to give her the satisfaction of thinking she has the upper hand. However, there does come a moment in every argument when I realize that, once again, like always, I have lost big time.
And because my bellicose bluster has backfired, I am forced to pretend like the outcome is not important. I show my complete disdain by indignantly huffing something along the lines of, “In this case, there is no right or wrong!”
Okay, I admit it’s not the best defense, but what matters is that I never give in or admit defeat. Of course, there are those who might view that as a sign of immaturity, but I prefer to think of it as leaving the door ajar so that I can exact sweet revenge!
With fearsome retribution in mind, I cleverly change my strategy. Instead of wasting any more precious time engaging in useless conversational combat (my spouse is irritatingly immune to my boisterous bombast), I dip into my vast repertoire of tricks and utilize the incredible power of the most devious, dastardly, diabolical weapon at my disposal: POUTING.
But for some reason, my devastating denial of dialogue does not have the desired effect. In fact, I always get the feeling that my wife is glad to be rid of my annoying adolescent antics. Having won yet another in an endless string of squabbles, it’s almost as if she relishes the peace and quiet.
What is wrong with her?!!! How can she not understand that she is suffering dearly for putting me in my place?
Sadly, my bride seems OBLIVIOUS to the fact that my scathing, scornful, silent treatment is her well-deserved punishment for making me look foolish.
Unfortunately, that makes giving my spouse the dreaded cold shoulder a somewhat futile undertaking. But her obvious lack of torment only fuels my desire to POUT LONGER – which, of course, is more peace and quiet for her.
It’s a vicious cycle that will never end until my wife finally learns her lesson.
However, I admit I’m beginning to have grave doubts that the love of my life will ever fully comprehend what a frightful price she is paying for winning an argument.
Marital Madness 